h3>Perry L. Gardner: Private Journal #15
Saturday, 5:30 AM, July 23, 1988
- N/S—I think I have worked out my N/S dilemma—I do not have a strong S, but my N is even stronger, and this N can be called “This little light of mine.”
- I learned a lot last night, but it wasn’t apparent what I really learned until now. My “I” needed quiet time in my dream factory shelter to come up with anything useful.
- I sense amazing growth in strength and in understanding in me this week.
- My curve for the week
Clash on Tuesday, Dream Factory, Shit Dump, Resolution
In both dips, the…[trails off] - From behind closed doors of self, there has peeked out doubt this week, a poet, a child, and a lover, and probably much more, which I can’t identify it this time.
- False pride goeth before a fall—of this I must be mindful, but what I have done has been done from much elation and sufficient confidence. Would that the self-confidence were a little more sufficient.
- Back to N&S—perhaps my RPI sophomore advisor saw something there when he suggested I transfer from aero-engineering to architecture. I will admit, it has been a long-time attraction to me—to integrate the grand design, and let the engineers with strong S’s check the numbers. They did make me the Vehicle Design Integrator on the proposal for the Lunar Module.
- What I have gone through since last evening is from Apprehension to Despair to Anger and a return of Self-Confidence—Check it out.
- My meeting with the authorities yesterday is incomplete—ENFP’s and INTJ’s need to work on communication. The purpose was obvious, but the intent of the message behind the message was incomplete—I need more information about feelings.
- I am angry with Vivian—my feeling is that she is not practicing what she preaches—She is here under false pretenses—not to learn, but to talk and get her attention needs met. I don’t feel she was listening to me or hearing me. It was her screen, not mine, that blocked the communication—I told her that I heard her, but I will not accept the charge. It has taken me these hours to integrate that. Yo-Yo. I’ve not gotten to the point where I could take her on, and there would be no point to try—She is who she is. I am back together.
- Puff the Magic Dragon has been following me around for two days now, or am I Puff?
- I have been affirmed by many individuals. And must be doing something right. From the staff, it is hoped for, expected, and forthcoming, but it is the gifts from the students that I am responding to now.
- The hug from Mary when she looked me in the eye and said she loved me, and I knew she meant it. And this was right after credo, when what I had done was questioned.
- The warm comfortable feeling of sharing time with Harriet when she told me I reminded her of her husband, whom she had earlier said she loved very much.
- Claire said I made a mistake and was quiet—unresolved.
- Ken, I don’t know—a communication gap, but I felt affirmed earlier when he had sought me out on the worship matter. But he is a warm puppy, anyhow.
- Vivian gives verbal strokes and hugs, but I feel there is an unresolvable (in this time or place) problem which is as much hers as mine.
- And a gift from Ann, when she came to me in confidence on the worship matter, and I was able to respond with felt support and also to resolve our own clash earlier in the week. I had heard her earlier, and I guess she felt that, and it was O.K.
- And from Candace, when she fulfilled my request to sing “Puff”. Sure it was a chance for her to perform, but for me I felt it was a warm sincere gift, and I feel good vibes between us all week.